A couple things have happened this week that have hit me a little harder than I would have liked, or even imagined would affect me. I saw one of our sweetest couple friends for the first time in months and found out they are expecting, 5 days before I was supposed to be due. Then I saw on Facebook a post from another of my sweet friends that they were expecting in January and announced the sex. I had no idea they were even pregnant! And as thrilled as my initial reaction is for each of them, I am quickly overcome by sadness because that was supposed to be my time too. They are beautiful with their round bellies. They know the sex of their baby and are talking names. And to be honest, it was breaking my heart just a little each time. Please don't get me wrong, I am so ecstatic for them. I want to celebrate my friends and the blessings of life. I want to shower them with love and gifts and excite in this time with them. But then I find myself grieving a little for our lost baby. I keep thinking that I just need all of the February baby announcements to be over with so we can move on to the March babies and I won't feel resentful. I hate that feeling. I don't want to be sad or disappointed in my circumstance period. Each time I feel a little sadness, I feel as if I'm failing in my trust in the Lord. It makes me angry that I am still affected by these things. I hate that I can't talk about my miscarriage without tearing up just a little. I want to put a smile on my face and say every thing is fine and just move forward.
But then something else happened this week that brought me back to life. Another of my friends welcomed a beautiful baby boy. She is someone who has gone through more than any one person should ever have to go through. But she remained faithful and now could not be more in love with her son. I think about the grief that she must have felt as she went along her journey and the happiness that she is overcome with now that she holds her baby in her arms. And it is like a light in my darkness, a beacon of hope. Because with that picture of her holding her tiny little bundle of joy, I do remember that God has a plan for me too. I do know that I still have a journey that I will continue to walk through and at the end of it all, I will look down at my baby and be so thankful for that specific moment in time. God is my light and my hope and he makes that anxiousness go away.
So please everyone... continue to post your baby pictures. Continue to post your announcements. I want to celebrate you and your joy because God is so great and every baby is a true blessing from Him.