When we left the doctor's office on that Tuesday, I left thinking that there was a slight possibility that they missed the heartbeat. I came home and started googling and of course I found that plenty of women had said their doctor didn't catch the heartbeat until week 10, 12, and even 16. I was hoping furiously that this was the case for me. I went back in for that second sonogram praying that we would hear a little thump thump thump. We didn't. The baby was still only measuring 8 weeks and I should now be a solid 9. There was no heartbeat and no growth. This time, I saw Dr. C and the look in her eyes showed such pain. I can't imagine having to break this kind of news to someone, and unfortunately I'm sure she does it more often than I'd like to think about. She said she was so sorry that this happened, especially given everything we've been through to even get to this point. I told her that I would be ok, and was just relieved that I did get pregnant and hopeful for the future.
Dr. C gave me a couple of options as to how we could move forward... I could take a pill that would help break things down and let it pass naturally, have a surgery called a D&C (Dilation & Curettage), or just wait for things to happen on their own. She wanted me to think about what I would be most comfortable with but warned that if we waited too long for it to happen naturally, that there could be an increased risk of infection. I went home to think about my options and discuss with Sean. I didn't want to take the pill or do the D&C as I felt like it would be too similar to an abortion. I opted to let nature take its course and just prayed that my body would realize that it wasn't pregnant anymore. Each day that passed, I became more and more emotional. My body wasn't getting the hint and I was still feeling my pregnancy symptoms. I was growing more tense and restless at the thought of my tiny baby not being alive inside my body. I called Dr. C and just poured out my heart. I didn't want to wait too much longer for it to pass, but I was so afraid of the thought that maybe there still was a heartbeat that couldn't be seen and by taking the pill or doing the surgery, I would take away the chance for that little heart to beat. She told me that they were certain there was not a heartbeat and suggested that we go ahead and do the surgery. The surgery would ensure that we would get everything so there would be no risk of infection and it would also bring me closure knowing it was over. I agreed to do the surgery and it was scheduled for Friday, July 15 (2 days after my 31st birthday). After the surgery was scheduled, I had about 4 more days to change my mind. I decided to call Dr. L and see if he would do one final sonogram to confirm that the baby was no longer living. I wanted an outside opinion and he said if it would help ease my mind, he would absolutely do it. I went in on Wednesday before the surgery and Dr. L's nurse confirmed that the baby did not have a heartbeat. She also said that the baby was now measuring at 7 weeks 4 days. I now fully trusted that the doctors were right and accepted that this baby would not be born. I was even more convinced that the surgery was the right answer, as the baby was getting smaller and I didn't even want to think about what that meant.
The day finally arrived and I could not have been more taken care of. Every nurse, doctor, tech, and orderly that I came into contact with was incredibly thoughtful and concerned with my well-being. I was just ready for it all to be over with so Sean and I could move forward with healing. The surgery went smoothly and I spent the next 3 days in bed and 7 days moving slowly. Not only did I have incredible support in my surgery team, but my co-workers were amazing in their understanding, my family made sure that I was comfortable and positive, and Sean was my rock.
It has now been 5 weeks since Sean and I lost our baby. My body has healed and my mind is at peace. My heart is hopeful and my soul feels comforted by The Lord. There have been moments of sadness and even one where I questioned God. Why would I go through two years of failed attempts, only to finally get pregnant and have that baby taken away? But God answered me so clearly and this is what I completely trust in: 1) I got pregnant 100% naturally. He told me that I do not need to worry about fertility drugs or forcing ovulation. When the time is right, I would have that baby. 2) My baby had a heartbeat. She had tiny little hands and tiny little feet. She was truly and clearly a living soul which meant that I can carry a baby past those crucial weeks of developing cells. 3) He is faithful and answers prayers. I didn't just pray for a baby. I prayed for a healthy and perfect baby. For whatever reason, this baby was not healthy and God knew that this wasn't the right one for me.
Now when I think about my pregnancy, it feels like another lifetime ago or like it happened to a whole different person. Sometimes I still get a little sad when I see a stroller or outfit that I want to buy but know that I shouldn't. Or when my friend told me she was pregnant and we would have been only 2 weeks apart and going through this pregnancy together. I know that losing this baby will never be something I will just get over. But I know that I will see her in heaven and I will be forever grateful to her for giving me hope for the baby that I will hold in my arms in the future.
During my check up, Dr. C said that Sean and I could start trying again after 3 months. I told her that we weren't going to start trying again. I know I will get pregnant when I am supposed to. I know that I CAN and there is no more worry about not having that perfect 28 day cycle or having sex at the right time. Our baby will come someday because God has already picked him or her out for us. I just have to stay faithful in my obedience to him and know that he is always good and faithful to me.