**As I began writing this piece, I realized that I had so much to say, so I will be writing and posting this in two parts.**
Friday, August 12... I should be 14 weeks today. I should be announcing my pregnancy on Facebook with a clever photo. I should be sharing the news with our family, friends, and followers on Facebook, Instagram, and now this blog. It is with a heavy heart that I explain that unfortunately today is not that day.
Let's back up a second. Last time I posted about the baby journey, I had reached a breaking point. In April, after our 6th round of fertility treatments didn't work, I broke all the way down and had pretty much given up. I told Sean that I didn't want to "try" to have a baby anymore. I started looking into adoption as an alternative as I also wasn't sure if IVF would be affordable for us. After making the decision to put the fertility treatments, timed sex, temping, and everything else on hold, I felt a profound sense of relief and freedom. The baby blinking light that was always at the front of my mind went away. Sean and I rediscovered each other as husband and wife and had fun together again. We stopped forcing the baby thing and just started living again. I found more relief as I began this blog at the beginning of May. I was ready to move forward with my life and tackle this infertility later on. Right now, I was enjoying loving and desiring my husband and found the blog to be therapeutic. The very last thing I expected was to get pregnant the very next month.
When I had my period in May, I remember at some point that week talking with my friends at work about how crazy my cycle had been over the past 2 years. I wondered, just for fun, how long the April cycle actually was so I pulled out a calendar and counted from my period in April to May 6th... 28 days exactly. I told my friends that of course I would have a totally normal cycle after giving up and laughed about the irony. I then continued May like I was 22 again where a baby was the last thing on my mind. June came and that first weekend I thought that if I were to keep on track with this new, normal period, then I probably would start that weekend. On Saturday, June 4, I woke up at 6:00 AM and on a whim, decided to take a pregnancy test. There were 3 reasons I decided to do it: 1) My period should be starting soon and whenever I'd taken a test before, I always started like that day or right after, so I figured I would just get it over with so my period would come. 2) My boobs actually felt a little tender when I ran at my workouts and the tenderness felt slightly different than previous months. 3) My friend had given me a ton of pregnancy and ovulation tests. She had bought them in bulk on Amazon and got pregnant with twins, so didn't need them anymore. So in my half-asleep state, I took out two of the dipstick pregnancy tests (they were about to expire, so why not?) and tested. It took about 30 second for the control line to appear. There was not a second line, so I tossed them in the trash and went back to sleep. At 9:45, I finally rolled back out of bed and as I was brushing my teeth, I thought "hmm.. maybe I should look again since I threw them away so fast." When I pulled the two tests out of the trash, they were both, without a doubt, positive. I guess it takes a few minutes for the test line to appear! (I mean it does say to wait three minutes on the box. I had waited 30 seconds). I completely freaked out. I had never seen a positive pregnancy test before and didn't know what to do. All of those thoughts on how I was going to tell Sean went out the window and I took both tests to the living room where he was sitting and just looked at him and said "I think I'm pregnant."
I showed Sean the two tests and he was immediately skeptical. "The positive line isn't as dark as the control line," he said.. "But there is a line," I shouted, "that means positive!" And the rest of the day, I laid on the couch and held my stomach and stared at the tests. I kept asking Sean if he was so excited and happy and in true boy form, he said sure. He didn't want to get his hopes up since we had been disappointed so many times, so I think it was a nervous happy. But as soon as I saw those two lines, I knew in my heart that I was pregnant. I ended up taking an expensive First Response test later that afternoon, and it was definitely positive. I could not wait until Monday when I could call Dr. C and tell her I had gotten a positive test.
As soon as Monday morning at 8:00 AM came, I called the office. The pregnancy coordinator was out that day and would need to call me back on Tuesday. When I finally got that call, we talked about my last period, counted the weeks and figured that I was due on February 10, 2017. Are you kidding me? The 10th??? How perfect is that number! God knows my crazy side and gave me a baby due on the 10th! We scheduled my first ultrasound for July 5th which would bring me in at 8 1/2 weeks. Sean and I decided that we would wait until after the doctor to tell anyone about the baby. He wanted to see it for himself and hear from Dr. C that everything was ok. I thought this would be a good idea, but I wanted to tell our family. That week, my mom was in town, so we told her and swore her to secrecy. She cried and it was the happiest crying I've ever seen. Sean accidentally let slip to his sister at week 5, we told Sean's parents and the rest of my family on Father's Day (week 6), and then we told Sean's aunts and uncles when we went to Gatlinburg during week 7. On that trip, I couldn't go on the big hike with Sean, decided that since I couldn't ride any roller coasters at Dollyworld that I would just skip the park, and needed to take naps every day, so Sean agreed that it was ok to tell the rest of our family to explain my behavior :) Unbeknownst to Sean, I did tell my boss and 2 friends in my office around week 5. I just couldn't keep it in, and they've been with me this entire journey, so it was a huge relief to tell them that we were finally going to have a baby! When we returned from vacation, I had only 1 more week to wait until the appointment. My friends told me they could see a bump. I told them it was chub, and they respectfully disagreed and said it was clearly a bump and I was already showing. I was nauseous but hadn't thrown up. I was so tired that I may have fallen asleep at my desk for like 15 minutes... (Please J & A don't be mad!). And I knew that there was a little baby growing inside me and I was completely in love. I made Sean rub my belly and kiss it. He looked at me like I was weird, but humored me anyway. There is definitely a connection that I don't think men get at the beginning. I think that since they can't physically see anything, it's natural for them to feel disconnected. But I felt it and loved every single second. I didn't care that I felt like crap. I didn't care that I was too nauseous to do anything. My boobs were so sore and swollen already that I had to go buy grandma bras. But I didn't complain. I craved every single symptom because it reminded me that I was pregnant. I talked to the baby everyday and instinctively called it her. As much as I've always wanted a little girl, I actually would love to have a boy for Sean. But in my bones, I felt like it was a girl. I prayed every single morning and night for my baby. I thanked God for this incredible blessing and prayed that this baby would be strong and healthy. I didn't care if I had a tough pregnancy, as long as the baby was perfect.
A month flew by and it was finally the day to go to the doctor! At 12:45, Sean and I waited in the lobby as the moment of truth was finally upon us. The ultrasound tech called us back, had me lay on the table, and started rubbing the wand across my belly. It was difficult to see, so she said that we needed to do it the more uncomfortable way. I'll leave the description out... but she left the room for me to undress. When she came back in, we saw the baby! A tiny little bean, but clearly a baby, and only one to Sean's relief. But the tech was quiet and I knew something was off. She showed us where the head was then told me I could get dressed and the nurse would come talk to me. I expected to hear a heartbeat, so when we walked to the other room, I asked if it was too early to hear. She said that sometimes it can be. We waited in the room for the nurse, and as soon as she stepped in, I felt like I was out of breath. I'm not sure if Sean realized anything at this point, but I knew. She asked me some basic questions about my cycle, due date, etc. Then looked at a paper, looked up at me, and said "I'm so sorry, but there is no heartbeat." I asked her if she was sure as my eyes filled with tears. She looked at the paper again, grabbed my hand, and said yes, there was nothing. She told me to hang on to see if Dr. C wanted to talk to me and left the room. Sean got up and walked over to where I was sitting on the table and just hugged me as I fell apart in his arms.
The nurse came back in a few minutes later and I wiped my tears away. She told me they would take some blood today and wanted me to come back next week to check my levels and do another sonogram. With a week's time, they would be able to see if there had been any change. We made the appointment and walked out of the office. One thing that completely took me by surprise was my initial thought. The moment she said those words.. that there wasn't a heartbeat... my faith became so clear and I knew immediately that this wasn't the baby God planned for us.
**I will write part two of this story next Friday. I know there are a lot of questions, but I feel like completing this story tonight would be overwhelming. Thank you for your support and I look forward to sharing the final chapter with you. Please know that I am healed and not sad. XOXO, Summer**