On day 30 of my first round of Femara, I still had not had a period, so I called Dr. L and went in to see him the next day. As soon as I got to his office, I started bleeding. He went ahead and did a sonogram and he did not believe that I was pregnant. I remember the look on his face when he looked on the sonogram, looked at my chart, and looked at me. He was completely dumbfounded and just shook his head and said "I just don't know why you didn't get pregnant this time." I was somewhat relieved that he felt that way, but incredibly disappointed, yet again, that I hadn't gotten pregnant. Everything this round seemed to line up so perfectly and it still wasn't working.
Dr. L suggested that I take a progesterone, as my levels were just about on target, but we could try to make them higher and see if that would help. So he wrote another prescription and I was to take the progesterone at night and continue with my next round of Femara. Again, twice a day for 5 days. On April 1st, I went in for my mid-cycle sonogram. I was ready to take my trigger shot and felt that my follicles were growing. However, when we did the sonogram, my follicles weren't big enough at all. They measured around 10, 11, 12 and he wanted 20. So he put me back on another 5 days of Femara and wanted to see me in one week. Basically a double dose of Femara during one cycle? I was a little freaked out to say the least. On April 8th, I went back in to see if I could finally take my Ovidrel shot and ovulate, but my follicles hadn't budged. It did not look like I would ovulate this cycle. Dr. L started talking about a more aggressive approach. He said something about daily injections, stronger doses, etc.. I didn't really hear him. I told him that I think I was needing to take a break from this and think about how I wanted to proceed. I was already thinking IUI, but I was so disheartened that the Femara didn't even work, TWICE, and needed a moment to think about it. He told me to go ahead and call him when my period came and we would talk about our options.
I left his office, sat in my car, and completely broke down. I cried so hard and for so long that I have no idea what time I finally pulled myself out of it. I begged God to take away my desire to have a baby. I begged and pleaded because it hurt so much and I just couldn't take the disappointment any more. After one and a half years of trying and 6 failed rounds of fertility drugs, my heart was broken and I just wanted that pain to stop. I called Sean on my way to work and told him that I needed an emotional break from trying to have a baby. I told him that I wanted to get back on birth control so I could get my cycles back on track and also to know that I wouldn't get pregnant for a while so I could reset and recharge. If there was any chance of me thinking I could pregnant, I knew it would just bring disappointment and I wasn't sure how I would be able to deal with it again.
That night, Sean and I sat down and discussed his thoughts, my thoughts, and what our options might be. He didn't want me to get back on birth control for two reasons: 1) He didn't like me taking anything at all, and 2) He did not want to completely put a stopper on my ability to get pregnant. I told him that I really didn't want to even try any more. Not only did I think my body needed a break, but my heart and head were so run down that I didn't want to even think about the future. The emotional toll was something he couldn't understand, but I was done... for a while at least. We agreed that I wouldn't get back on birth control, but at least for the next 3-4 months there would be no Pinterest baby boards, no temping, ovulation tests or forced sex. It was like I had picked it out of my brain and threw it away. The moment I decided that I needed the break, I immediately felt a huge relief in my bones. That tiny light that blinked baby, baby, baby at the very front of my head was gone and somehow, after all this time, I had stopped longing for a baby.