It has been weeks since I've continued my story.. With a vacation, the terrible events around the world and in my own city, and some other personal stuff going on, the last thing I've been wanting to do is write about my journey. I feel like my tone has changed and that will just not do! I want to get back to what I started this blog for.. To bring hope and healing to not only myself, but those out there going through something similar. So here we go... back to the story!
So when we last left off on the journey, I mentioned that we started Clomid. After a full year being off of birth control and nothing happening, as well as not having normal cycles, we decided to bring in the fertility drugs. Sean still was not 100% convinced that he was ok with Clomid, but he wanted to support whatever decision I wanted to make. I told myself that we would only do 3 rounds. Medically, if 6 rounds of Clomid don't work, the doctors then suggest IVF. I didn't want to even think about 6 rounds (which meant at least 6 more months)... So I gave myself 3.
Round 1 was July 18-22. We started with 50mg of Clomid on days 5 through 9. I've seen it done both 3-7 and 5-9. I've read that the earlier days give you more follicles so a better chance of one of them being viable, but the 5-9 days give you stronger follicles, so that's what Dr. C prescribed. I went back on day 18 to have my blood drawn to confirm if I had ovulated, and I did. But no baby, and my August period came on day 36 of that cycle. Round 2 was August 22-26. Again 50mg on days 5-9 and the labwork at 18 days confirmed I had ovulated. But in my Glow tracker, I marked that I took Clomid on August 18-22 which would have been days 1 though 5. Did I mess up in my eagerness to get pregnant? September came and I didn't have what I thought should be a normal cycle. There was 8 days of spotting, but nothing like what a normal period should be. Of course I googled it and a few women said that Clomid changed the way their periods were, so I thought maybe that was the same for me. Or perhaps because I messed up the days I took the Clomid, that could have had something to do with it too? We went in on September 23rd for a pregnancy test that, surprise! surprise!, was negative. With me not having what I would have considered to be a true period, I didn't want to start on Clomid for fear of .... well I wasn't sure.. I knew I wasn't pregnant, but half of the time I don't believe the doctors and think the baby is just shy. I was afraid of overdosing on Clomid and therefore ensuring that my child would have a side effect of some kind. So we decided to wait until my October cycle to start round 3. True to form, I didn't have a cycle in October. And after multiple home pregnancy tests and two blood tests (plus the fact that I didn't feel like it), I knew without a doubt that I wasn't pregnant. November came and I prayed I would have a period.. I did November 2nd. Round 3: November 6-10, 50mg, days 5 though 9. This time, the labwork was inconclusive. My numbers were hovering around the "you could have ovulated, but you also may not have" line. Now this was the third round... my stopping point before we were to start talking about the next options. But since I didn't know if I ovulated in November, AND one of my friends, who I'd been going through all of this with, had finally gotten pregnant on her 4th round of Clomid, I decided that I would do one more if we didn't get pregnant in November. Another longish cycle, 37 days, and round 4 was confirmed. Round 4: December 13-17, 50mg, days 5 though 9.. However, because of the spotting... I messed up again on the Clomid. I toyed with taking it on days 3-7. That's what my friend had done when she got pregnant on round 4, so I thought maybe I should do the same days since it was supposed to give you more follicles. (It's always smart to do your own medical stuff right???) But because of the spotting, I wasn't exactly sure when day 3 was, or day 5, so I took them some time the second week of December and hoped for the best. And of course... didn't get pregnant.
Five months passed us by in what felt like an eternity. Five more months and I still wasn't pregnant. I was now halfway through 30, Sean was about to turn 32, and still we had no baby. When Sean and I started dating, one of our first conversations was about when we wanted to have kids. For both of us, 26 was that magic number. I think back to that time and where Sean and I were. We were together, but poor. Nowhere near being able to financially support ourselves, a wedding, a mortgage, bills, let alone a baby. But I probably would have been more fertile then with no trouble at all getting pregnant. Four years after that magic number and my body was failing me. We were more in love than ever. Had a beautiful home that was all our own. Great jobs, great insurance, with everything else just nicely in place.. But no baby. We drifted through those 5 months and continued with life. I saw my Royals play at Kauffman Stadium in their World Series year. We redid our kitchen and guest room, celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary, took a trip to New York, welcomed our best friends' baby into the new "Crew", had Thanksgiving, Christmas, and were incredibly blessed with wonderful friendships, family, and a beautiful life. But throughout it all, there was just a teeny tiny empty hole that was ever present. 2016 would bring big decisions for us, and I was terrified at what that would look like. Never have I wanted time to stop so much so we didn't have to face what could be a reality for us. But I equally wanted to speed through the next year so we could get through whatever it was we were going to have to go through. But alas, time doesn't stop. And we celebrated 2016 with everyone else and prayed that this next year would be a good one for us.