When my new pregnancy cocktail didn't work in May, Sean and I had a sit down and decided that maybe we did need to try something stronger. Provera wasn't starting my periods, Pregnitude didn't regulate, and acupuncture, as fun as it was, also wasn't doing anything to spur my cycle on. I was still so nervous to start it. I kept thinking that if God wanted me to have a baby, my cycles would be regular and I wouldn't have to take Clomid. But then my friend said something that totally clicked with me... She said that if I had bad eyesight, would I not get glasses to correct it? God gave you blurry eyes, but you wouldn't live with blurry eyes. And it made total sense to me. God also gave us medicine and the ability to have advancements in technology, so this was ok and I wasn't going against God's will. It also really helped that my OBGYN is openly a Christian AND in medicine. Her nurses once prayed with me at an appointment, so I did trust their recommendations and started to feel comfortable about taking the next step.
We decided that I would go ahead and start Clomid in July, which would be 1 year from when I got off birth control. After a 58 day cycle (no period in June), my period came the day after my 30th birthday. Happy Birthday to me! We started with 50mg of Clomid on days 5-9, then testing again on day 21 to check for ovulation. I continued to temp, use ovulation sticks, and think every little twinge of stomach pain was me ovulating. On day 21, I went in for my blood test and I had successfully ovulated. All that we needed to do is sit in that dreaded 2 week wait and see if my period would come.
One thing that keeps coming back to me during all of this is timing. I was 30 and hadn't had a baby yet. It was 2015 and I wouldn't have a baby this year. My plans had washed away and I felt totally out of control even though I was controlling this pregnancy thing now more than ever. Every single moment of every single day, baby was on my brain. Not just on my brain, but right up at the front, pressing against the middle of my forehead. It was all I could think about. I would spend tons of time on Pinterest decorating my nursery. I would buy things that I thought were teeny and cute, and justified it because it was on sale and I wouldn't get that chance later. I would talk to Sean about baby names and day cares because I just wanted to talk about babies. I kept moving through my days with the conviction that I was going to get pregnant soon, even if I didn't know the exact timing anymore. It had to just be a matter of time right? So I kept pushing forward and waited for that positive pregnancy test. Fingers crossed!!