The start of 2015 wasn't what I thought it would be. My September baby hopes were dashed. My daddy announcement to Sean for his birthday wasn't going to happen. But it was a new year, so we could just try again! Then mid-ish February when I was expecting my next period, it didn't come. Oh my gosh this is it!! My boobs were sore.. I've never felt that before, even on a good cycle... I was nauseous all of the time, but that's also kind of a norm for me.. I was super tired (or lazy?) and had to pee a lot.. and I was convinced that this was it. Then I took a pregnancy test (well 3 actually..) and negative. Every one of them. So maybe I took the test too early? Maybe I should wait until day 35 to test again. Still negative. I decided to call my OBGYN (because yes, I picked her out already.. She had a nice smile.) and she brought me in to discuss and possibly do an ultrasound. By this time, we're at day 42. They first wanted to do a pee test and then a blood test because that is a little stronger. I remember when she walked in, her face was so sad. Negative. I looked and looked and looked and found all of these women on all of these different baby boards that said they didn't get a positive pregnancy test until week 10, 12, 16 or until they actually saw a bump. I convinced myself that I was the same and I went through my days with the mindset that I was pregnant. I would hold my stomach every night and pray over this baby that I knew was growing inside of me. I had dreams about holding my baby. I even had a friend text me to say that she had a dream that I was pregnant. My uncle from Korea called my mom and said he had a dream about something that translated into me being pregnant. Yes, those doctors and their technology just weren't picking up my tiny baby yet.
Day 60 crept around and I was not getting a bump, or having any aversion to foods. And I finally let myself believe that I was in fact NOT pregnant. There wasn't even a concern that I had miscarried since I never did get a positive test. I knew that I never really was pregnant, just trying to convince myself that I was. I called Dr. C again and let her know that we were passing day 60 and something just didn't feel right. She brought me in again and did an ultrasound just to make sure.
I went in for the ultrasound, looked as hard as I could for a blip of something, and then again, saw the tech's face and knew nothing was there. But she didn't actually tell me that. She printed out the pictures and had me go into another room to wait for Dr. C. Thirty minutes went by and Dr. C finally came in and said they could not find the images from the machine. I would need to go do a second ultrasound. Now this was just divine intervention! God was giving me another shot and this time they would find something on the screen. So I went in with smiles... but still nothing. It was 100% empty. We regrouped in her office and she told me about Provera, which was a progesterone that would force my period to come. And then there was a second drug called Clomid to make me ovulate since it didn't look like I was doing these things on my own. I took both prescriptions home, and of course, googled like crazy.
I was really nervous about taking any kind of medication because of course people only post about the bad things. The side effects, complications, and heartbreaking matters. I told Sean about what Dr. C recommended and he was even more uncomfortable than I was about taking anything. Somehow we got to the decision that I would only take Provera. It's kind of like birth control right? It's supposed to make your period come. Since I'd been on birth control before, I convinced myself that this one was ok. But we decided to stay away from Clomid because we didn't want to overdo it with the drugs. On March 26, 2015, I started Provera. It was to be 7 days of pills and by day 10, I should get my period. On March 27, a 75 day cycle, she arrived. And so began the next phase of "trying"... No more having fun to have a baby. We were now on a regimen. For a control freak, that sounds amazing. For a loving wife and a healthy marriage? Definitely not amazing.