One thing that you will learn about me is that I am incredibly controlling. I just can't help myself! I suffer from "I think I can do things better" syndrome. Just ask my sisters and my husband... I am forever telling them what to do and taking over everything. But one thing that God teaches me almost daily is that I can't control everything. It is not my plan, it's His plan. And I constantly have to remind myself that His plan is perfect in its design and time.
Let's go back to July 2014. Sean and I had decided that we were going to start trying for a baby after being married for 1 year. So in July, I began my body prep. I went for a pre-conception checkup, got off birth control, and made a beautifully color-coded calendar that outlined the best days for me to be out on maternity leave based on my work and travel schedule. (I wish I still had that calendar to show you my ridiculousness! But I recently threw it away in my "I will not think about babies all of the time" purge.) But back to this calendar... I knew exactly what we needed to do for our baby to be born on September 15. For some reason, I really like the number 5 and any multiples of 5, plus the month of September is such a beautiful one with its perfect fall weather. So September 15 has always been one of my favorite days. And with my trusty calendar, it was set. We were going to have a September baby, and so I needed to get pregnant on December 23rd.
As I waited for December, I tried my best to make sure my body was baby ready. I worked out regularly, started eating better and taking prenatal vitamins, and cut back on my caffeine. The weekend of Thanksgiving, we thought maybe we should "try" once. So we did. And I cried. It was the realization that maybe we could have made a baby right then and our whole world was going to change. It was a scary thought and I was incredibly nervous. Were we ready to start a family? Would we be able to afford it? How different was life about to get? But it was also exciting. After almost 10 years together, we were about to start a completely new chapter. But a few weeks later, I found that I wasn't pregnant and I was ok. I wanted that September baby, so I was secretly happy that I hadn't gotten pregnant in November.
Jump to May 2016... I would give anything to take that feeling back. I wish I had gotten pregnant that first time and not been relieved when I wasn't. But I just have to remember that God has a plan. There is a reason I didn't get pregnant then.. or haven't gotten pregnant since. And as I continue to ponder these last 18 months, I remind myself to be thankful for what I do have: a wonderful home, a loving family, a great job, and a devoted husband. I have been provided for and I am truly blessed.