In October, right after our 1 year anniversary, I began tracking my cycles. I downloaded an app and became OBSESSED with charting. Every morning, I would open my eyes, reach over to my dresser to grab my thermometer, and take my temperature. They said to do it first thing in the morning before you got out of bed, so I did. And that little beep beep beep to signal that my temperature had been captured became Sean's alarm clock. I will say, using an app is great for people who do not have regular cycles. It has a predictive function that let's you know when to expect your next period, highlight the best days to conceive, and log any physical changes to your body. It is however, terrible at keeping you calm and relaxed. At the time, I didn't realize my cycles weren't regular, and I didn't realize that I was obsessing. I just did it because I like to plan things and it gave me a sense of control.
They also say that most people should have 28 day cycles. But who actually has a perfect 28 day cycle without some form of help? I started birth control when I was 15 because I had these incredibly painful cycles. Every time I started, I would get a terrible migraine, throw up, have debilitating cramps, and have to miss school at least that first day. So I actually don't know what my cycles were like before then. But from age 15 to 29, I had perfect 28 day cycles because of those pills. When I got off of birth control in July to when I started tracking in October, I noticed that they weren't 28 days. But I figured that was normal since my body was readjusting to life without hormonal control. I think they were something like 32, then 42, then 34, then 44 day cycles for those 4 months. When I started the tracking, I put in those cycles and let the "genius" function do the rest. The best I could do was make sure that Sean and I tried during the highlighted days.
So when we got back from our family vacation, I waited and waited until my app told me my next cycle should start if I didn't become pregnant. Do you know how hard it is to not take a pregnancy test for 3 weeks??? And on the morning of January 11 (a 39 day cycle), I finally just took the test and got a big fat negative. And of course, I started the next day too. (What a waste of a pregnancy test). I was so disappointed. Not only was I not going to have that September baby, but I also wasn't going to be able to get Sean the birthday card that said "Happy Birthday Daddy" to let him know I was pregnant. Yes.. my mind always comes up with these ideas and it drives me crazy! I swear I would be the best boyfriend/husband/event planner/maid of honor... whatever, because I am forever coming up with ideas to celebrate anything. Sorry.. I digress. But looking back through the app, I saw that every day I plugged in my emotional state and it looked a little like this: Anxious, Excited, Anxious, Anxious, Anxious, Nervous, Excited, Anxious, Sad...
Philippians 4:6 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." All of the time I was on this app, logging my anxiety and obsessing about dates, I should have been in prayer. Not to ask to get pregnant, but just in quiet time to strengthen my relationship with Jesus. Something that I have always struggled with is finding time for Him. I could spend hours on Pinterest, or reading some fantasy or regency era book, or looking on Facebook. But if you told me to use that time for a bible study, I always seem to find something else to do. Now, I am not a wayward Christian. I 100% try to live a loving life as He loved me. I am not afraid to talk about my faith. I go to church and pray often, and generally approach life with a "what would Jesus do?" outlook. But do I think I could dive deeper into my faith and be a stronger Christian? Absolutely. And I completely believe that if I continuously work on my relationship with Jesus, I would have a healthier mindset and not be so wrapped up in control. Because deep down, I know that I can't control anything. But it's part of my sinful humanity and super hard to let go of.
So I wasn't pregnant. And yes I was incredibly upset. But it had only been 2 months since we really started trying. At this point, I still had a positive outlook and figured that God wasn't ready for me to be pregnant. He was just trying to teach me patience (as He does daily), so He took that September baby away from me. OK God, I get it... you're in control! I continued with my trusty app and put a smile on my face. I knew it was going to happen soon and I just needed to keep moving forward and stop trying to control my baby's birth date. God knows the desires of my heart. Medically, I am perfectly healthy. Now that I was free of that September date, God would give me a baby next month right?